i'm not sure how to do this. i think a part of me just needs to let it out. the well of tears has dried up, or so I think...when the start fresh anew I marvel at how much liquid my tear ducts can hold.
dealing with fertility is hard enough. 5 years, 3 IVF and an FET. with nothing to show but a multitude of lost hopes, miscarriages, tears, fear, hatred and hopelessness. did i make the wrong decisions. was i so naive to think i could design my own life, wait to have a family so I could give my kids all that which I felt they deserved. so hard i struggled, so long, so many classes, so many tests, so many books...and now...
now i'm just alone. we go to work, we come home. we eat and sleep. forget about sex. that's become a tedious chore since year 3 of this nightmare of battling infertility. i don't even think he's attracted to me in that way anymore. oh sure, he kisses me good bye and hugs me when he comes home...but is that what our intimacy after 11 years of marriage has boiled down to...
so now what? where to go from here? another round at good old SGF. i have no issues with them. they are good doctors with good protocols. it's my body that rejects. it rejects happiness, family, unity, love. it rejects everything i so desperately yearn for. do desperately that i think one day soon, i may just reject this body. tell my crappy piece of shit uterus adios. just close my eyes and all the pain would stop....
he wants a baby as much as me. but not more than me. so much so that i've told him to seek other uterus's. yup, i'm probably the most idiotic woman convincing my husband to find another woman to start a family. with the insanely naive notion that...what...we'll all live together as one big fuckin happy family....
as my dad said, with a baby you'll have a great life, without one you'll have an okay life but allowing him to seek fulfillment elsewhere is gonna end your married life. so is that it? all the wrong decisions, all the bad i did, is that fate's decision...for me to continually lose all hope of not only having a child but to lose the love of my life....
may Allah help me, give me strength and forgive me for my sins. may He have mercy on me and on my home. Ameen...
dealing with fertility is hard enough. 5 years, 3 IVF and an FET. with nothing to show but a multitude of lost hopes, miscarriages, tears, fear, hatred and hopelessness. did i make the wrong decisions. was i so naive to think i could design my own life, wait to have a family so I could give my kids all that which I felt they deserved. so hard i struggled, so long, so many classes, so many tests, so many books...and now...
now i'm just alone. we go to work, we come home. we eat and sleep. forget about sex. that's become a tedious chore since year 3 of this nightmare of battling infertility. i don't even think he's attracted to me in that way anymore. oh sure, he kisses me good bye and hugs me when he comes home...but is that what our intimacy after 11 years of marriage has boiled down to...
so now what? where to go from here? another round at good old SGF. i have no issues with them. they are good doctors with good protocols. it's my body that rejects. it rejects happiness, family, unity, love. it rejects everything i so desperately yearn for. do desperately that i think one day soon, i may just reject this body. tell my crappy piece of shit uterus adios. just close my eyes and all the pain would stop....
he wants a baby as much as me. but not more than me. so much so that i've told him to seek other uterus's. yup, i'm probably the most idiotic woman convincing my husband to find another woman to start a family. with the insanely naive notion that...what...we'll all live together as one big fuckin happy family....
as my dad said, with a baby you'll have a great life, without one you'll have an okay life but allowing him to seek fulfillment elsewhere is gonna end your married life. so is that it? all the wrong decisions, all the bad i did, is that fate's decision...for me to continually lose all hope of not only having a child but to lose the love of my life....
may Allah help me, give me strength and forgive me for my sins. may He have mercy on me and on my home. Ameen...
